Where is the beginning and the end of the entity that you and I call a “self”?
The obvious answer that most of us would instinctively respond with would be that what we refer to as a “self” would be the fleshy organismic mass that is encapsulated by our skin. This is good enough for most situations in life, as a practical matter. We have a body, thoughts, a will we think of as our own, an inner experience. We’re surrounded by things that are not-us: other people, trees, buildings, honeybees, smartwatches, etc. Really, it’s not that complicated.
On a superficial level, it isn’t. We are one thing, a single entity, separated from infinite other things. If we look more deeply, however, the story may be more interesting, as is often the case. Let’s say, for instance, you like the Backstreet Boys 1999 hit “Larger than Life”. Then, after you recognize that, you immediately recoil from yourself in embarrassment and wonder if it is possible to delete a thought. These two events, in direct opposition to each other, form from within the same skin-bounded flesh body. Which self is the self? (I’m sure it isn’t really the Backstreet Boys fan)
If any of us look inward for more than a passing moment, we find that we are rife with division. Emotion against emotion, conflicting thoughts, uncertainties, anger, repressions, desire, resignation…. the list is endless. It is rather hard to refer to a self as a single, unitary thing when the experience of being a self is very nearly defined by contradiction and fragmentation. Consider also behavior, and how a single self is likely to behave in vastly different ways depending on their circumstance. Perhaps our completely fictional Backstreet Boys fan may also swear freely when hanging out with friends over beers but not at all when having dinner with his mother-in-law.
This observation is plain to see, perhaps even banal. People think and act in different ways at different times in different circumstances. This is not original. Indeed, this has been a source of fascination for humans for a very long time. Awash in a sea of internal and external stimuli, which of these fragments of conscious awareness am I?
As should not be surprising, there are a variety of contradictory answers. In Christianity, for instance, you are believed to be your soul, a sort of eternally persistent coat rack that your body and experiences are draped over temporarily while you are on this particular plane of being. The fleshy coats will leave, but the rack is eternal. Buddhists, on the other hand, have an altogether different view. The coats may hang in the same pattern, but ultimately, there is no rack and the coats are merely holding one another up in such a way that it appears as though a rack exists. There is no-rack. Two very prominent world religions, two vastly different, even diametrically opposed, visions of what a self is- an eternal soul vs. a mere illusion that does not even exist at all.
Additionally, this is all assuming that this skin-bounded fleshy life form is merely a host of multiple parts- we haven’t even got to the idea that perhaps this life form is also a part of a larger whole. The same division that is clearly, experientially observable inside the organism is mirrored by threads of connection that belie the illusion of separateness outside. We think we are one thing, apart from many non-things, but we are in fact many-things entangled inextricably with other many-things. Consider than all life forms exist by consuming other life forms, integrating them into new parts of their body while excreting old parts of their body to be new parts of yet another body. As below so above.
To summarize, let’s reference verse 4 of Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself:
Trippers and askers surround me, People I meet, the effect upon me of my early life or the ward and city I live in, or the nation, The latest dates, discoveries, inventions, societies, authors old and new, My dinner, dress, associates, looks, compliments, dues, The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love, The sickness of one of my folks or of myself, or ill-doing or loss or lack of money, or depressions or exaltations, Battles, the horrors of fratricidal war, the fever of doubtful news, the fitful events; These come to me days and nights and go from me again, But they are not the Me myself.
Yet, it really SEEMS like a self exists. It does seem as though there is some unitive something, a field, in which the great drama of our lives unfold. Personally, I’m agnostic as to the ultimate reality of this field, but it sure seems useful to take it at face value. We may or may not have a truly independent self, but it might be of the utmost utility to behave as if we do. Whitman finishes the verse:
Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am, Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary, Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest, Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next, Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it. Backward I see in my own days where I sweated through fog with linguists and contenders, I have no mockings or arguments, I witness and wait.
Whitman’s self is a witness. It contains the riotous disorder quoted previously, but stands somewhat above it, at a bit of remove. This is a very important stance, this “above looking down at the various parts”, and we will come back to it.
If you think that this is a long time to contemplate the mysteries of selfhood, you may not like the paper I am going to link to. If, on the other hand, you recognize that identity, the boundaries of the self and how one conceives of themselves are absolutely integral to any serious contemplation of human behavior and phenomenology, you might like it a lot. Either way, it’s a very useful contribution to our current attempt to make conceptual sense of psychedelic experiencing through currently available constructs.
The author of the paper is Henry Whitfield, an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy peer-reviewed trainer who has conducted ACT-based psychedelic retreats in the Netherlands. He’s also been a guest on the podcast that I host with Brian Pilecki called Altered States of Context. You can listen to the episode here.
The reason I want to highlight this paper is because of the central importance of “selfing”- how we relate to our own experience of being a seemingly distinct organism- in behavior change and psychological flexibility. Over-identification with particular aspects of our self, such as traumatic memories or rigid and restrictive self-stories create areas of inflexibility in our lives. We develop beliefs about who we are that limit us to a much smaller life than we might otherwise lead.
For instance, our fictional Backstreet Boys fan may have developed beliefs about what kind of person he might be seen as if it were to be revealed that he enjoys a particular song, and that may conflict with what kind of person he wishes to be seen as. All of this self-negotiation has nothing to do with whether or not he experiences the song as enjoyable. Because of his failure to integrate his various experiences of self, he misses out on something he would otherwise find rewarding.
This is obviously a trivial example, but the stakes involved are far from trivial. In many ways, a strong argument can be made that from a therapeutic point of view, the process of creating, negotiating and maintaining one’s sense of self is of central importance. Reconciling to one another each of our various aspects- our spectrum of selves, to borrow Henry’s phrase- is integral to the process of healing and becoming whole.
As we dis-identify with selves that are fused with specific aspects of our biographical histories- traumas, hurts, beliefs- we are available to merge into progressively more integrated experiences of self. This process may be seen as reaching its zenith in the so-called “mystical experience”, and experience of boundless awareness and transcendence of self that is sometimes described by people who have taken psychedelic drugs.
It must be said that by no means are drugs required for this process to unfold. A more integrated experience of self is an aim of most psychotherapies. An unbounded union with creation is at the heart of most mystical religions. It just may be that psychedelics offer a reliable and rapid path towards greater flexibility in how one relates to their various aspects of self.
It is additionally important to note that simply taking psychedelic drugs may not be adequate to occasion an experience of self-transcendence, and may not be necessary for healing or growth. We have a lot to learn about what aspects of psychedelic experiencing are most useful for healing and growth, and how to create contexts and conversations to promote them.
Caveats aside, there is no question that how one relates to and processes their life experiences is heavily mediated by their conceptualized self; how they define themselves to be. As is often said, we all have a story about who we are: “the story that we tell ourselves about ourselves.” This self-story is a primary target in psychotherapy generally. It may not be possible to directly refute a story that one has about themselves- some of them are firmly lodged pretty deeply in- but it is often possible to see a story as partial and even hierarchically subordinate to more expansive and inclusive self-stories. This perspective on one’s self is much like Whitman’s observer stance, holding and containing all while simultaneously identifying with none.
This requires a shift in perspective, a shift that we have good reason to believe might be facilitated by an experience that often seems to result from taking psychedelic drugs.
If you’d like to dive more deeply, please read Henry’s paper. In it are attached a couple of rubrics that lay out various “levels” of self experience and statements that might be typical of each level. It’s a useful conceptualization and a contribution to the vital process of integrating psychotherapeutic concepts with psychedelic medicine.
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